Big Fat Loser

No, I'm not talking about the television show that chronicles the lives of people trying to lose weight. This is all about me! Eventhough a sistah could stand to lay down a few pounds I'm not talking about that either.

This weekend has given me the ability to put the relationships I have into a light that positions them with amazing clarity. I felt like heaven has fallen from the sky and I have to find my way back home.

I've got so much fucking baggage. I've broken my own heart through my actions (and inaction in some cases) and my soul can't dream anymore. God can't hear me... I done suffered so long... I don't cry no more tears... My body is tired, My mind gets so weary... My heart is so heavy...

That being said I have lost quite a few things. Some willingly and others... Not so willingly. But a loss is a loss is a loss.

1. I've lost my ability to put up with men who come at me with weak game
2. I've lost my desire to smile all up in the faces of bitches (and niggas) I don't like
3. I've lost my ability to give give in my relationships when I am getting NOTHING in return
4. I've lost my deisre to give the 5th and sometimes the 50th chance to the undeserving
5. I'm letting go of the notion that I have to be the sacrificial lamb in my family
6. I'm letting go my belief that my wants should be what God provides
7. I'm giving up the role of the "Goto Guy" or "Gal Friday" for every and any issue that comes up in my family
8. I've given up the belief that my happiness is found in another individual
9. I'm letting go holding my tounge when approached by folks that think that BBW's are easy
10. I've given up on putting my heart blindly out there... That shyt comes back to fuck you up in the end
11. I've put down the telescope and have turned inward when looking for true love
12. I am letting go a few (ok alot) more sources of Toxic Energy
13. I'm giving up this mentality that I have to wallow in the struggle to prove my worth
14. I'm letting go any behavior that leads to the breaking of my own heart
15. I'm lost any desire that I had to be treated like "the side jawn"
16. I've lost the notion to beat my head against the wall to prove that I want and need something
17. I've let go the desire to shoulder another person's insecurities
18. I've officially buried the idea that there are things out there that are too good to be true
19. I've long since given up the idea that love can be found in a booty call
20. I've put down the actions which cause me to be a victim of a foolish heart

Now don't get too worried or concerned about lil ole me... can't put down all that shit I was holding on to and not put SOMETHING in it's place.

1. I am picking up the ideal that if a man wants to be your lover and friend... He will do his damnedest to take care of both of those areas with the same care
2. I am picking up the belief that I am worth much more than the status quo
3. I am picking up the notion that ACTIONS speak much louder than words... Don't tell me what you think I want to hear... It's time to put up or shut the hell up.
4. I've picked up the knowledge that I can fool the world but not my heart
5. I'm picking up the belief that two people must grow TOGETHER if they are going to stay together
6. I'm am picking up the belief that I am deserving of time and attention that extends beyond the bedroom or some half-assed acknowledgement at a party
7. I'm picking up idea that if "nothing has ever felt like this" it needs to be inspected very closely
8. I'm picking up a good dose of cautious optimism when it comes to matters of the heart...
9. I'm picking up the ability to learn all I can of those I share my heart and my bed with
10. I am slowly grasping the concept of following my heart without ignoring the signs around me.
11. I'm picking up the ability to love the life I live AND live the life I love